Another post by guest-blogger, Linda Doty.
Have you ever laughed so hard that you checked for abs afterward?
Yeah, me neither.
I’m not sure how many calories laughing burns, but it’s gotta be more than whining about how unfair it is that when I just walk past cake I gain two pounds.
Well, probably. How would I know? I mean, who can just walk past cake, right? What, am I Kate Moss or something?
But it is true that I gain weight very easily and work my ass off to lose every pound. I’m sure many of you feel the same way – I know I’m not unique in this regard. But, hey, we all gotta play the hand we’re dealt. There is no magic bullet no matter how hard you prayed while you watched that infomercial.
Not everyone is like us. I once divorced a man just because he could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight. OK, there may have been a few more factors but the never gaining weight thing was definitely on my spreadsheet and it may have been on there in bold and highlighted in yellow. Jerk.
My perception is that men lose weight much more easily than women. I don’t know what science says and I don’t care because it’d probably be a bunch of skinny man-scientists telling me I’m wrong. My 2nd husband (keep up, will ya?) once decided he wanted to lose a few pounds so he cut back from having three pieces of toast with his bacon and eggs to two pieces of toast with his bacon and eggs. A few months later, the scale was down by thirty pounds. Jerk.
Anyone reading this who follows me on social media probably knows I tweet / post about food a lot. I’ve had people comment on it. (Jerks!) The truth is, I’ve been hungry since 1983. I can segment the hours of my life into three distinct time categories: preparing food, eating food, thinking about eating food.
I know what you’re saying. “Linda, have a cheeseburger.” No? Damn. OK, fine. Maybe you’re saying “Linda, you need to see a professional.” But really, $100 an hour is a lot to pay to lie on a couch and think about food, don’t you think? I do that at home all the time for free.
I’m playing the hand I was dealt. Most days, I work out for an hour or so. Most days, I have 2 reasonable meals. Most days, I do walk past the cake. I haven’t given up and I fight the good fight for better health and for the right to bare arms. Most days.
On any given day, whether the scale blesses me with good news or bad, I cope with it through laughter. And while that doesn’t necessarily lower the numbers on my scale, it does wonders for the numbers on my blood pressure meter.
How do you cope? Do you laugh through it all? DO YOU WANT TO?? I’m sharing some of my favorite tweets about diet and fitness below. Feel free to add yours in the comments.
Told clerk in the women's shapewear department that I needed something that gave me a little more control. She suggested wiring my jaw shut.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) February 26, 2013
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2015
The size up from my current T-shirt is called Poncho.
— Randy Smith (@Thing_Finder) January 6, 2013
When you go through your closet looking for your "fat clothes" and realize you've been wearing them.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) October 17, 2014
I was sort of counting on liposuction being available over-the-counter by now.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) January 29, 2014
You know the person in exercise videos that's doing the easy version of everything? I'm the guy behind that person eating chips.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 9, 2015
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 12, 2015
I weighed myself this morning and cried. Then I weighed myself again. Tears don't weigh anything, FYI.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) June 2, 2015
How many Weight Watchers points is it when you eat an entire pumpkin pie?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 3, 2014
I burned lots of calories today while wrestling open the plastic bag in a new box of Cheez-Its because exercise is important.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 7, 2016
Put my swimsuit on 20 minutes ago and I'm already soaked. So far it's just from the tears but I'm going to get in the pool soon.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) July 5, 2015
"I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't carry Venti underpants. The plus section is that way."
— Kelevensies (@Fingers_of_Fury) July 3, 2014
A raw diet? You mean like cookie dough?
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 12, 2015
I would have reached my goal weight by now if it wasn't for food.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) May 16, 2015
New study says we need one to two hours of exercise daily so looks like I'm about to let down several scientists.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 7, 2015
I've already lost a couple of pounds of water weight on this diet..mostly from crying a lot.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 4, 2016
The diet's going great. So far today, I've had 2 pieces of fruit, 4 ounces of baked chicken, and a half gallon of bitter tears.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) January 6, 2015
I've started confiding, to a few close friends, that I'm fat. Haven't told the family yet.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) August 6, 2012
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That's a lot of points!
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 1, 2014
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
-me to my diet
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) May 4, 2014
Cheesecake is an excellent appetite suppressant.
— Randy Smith (@Thing_Finder) June 14, 2014
Don't be stupid. No one wears a Medium.
— Kelevensies (@Fingers_of_Fury) September 21, 2015
Sometimes stretching is exercise, but often it's just a maneuver to allow you to reach the pancake syrup.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) December 28, 2014
Just found out that Pasta Roni is technically not on my low-carb diet.
— Randy Smith (@Thing_Finder) October 24, 2014
Now click the SHARE button and spread the funny around. Rumor has it, one share burns 3 calories.
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Linda Doty claims to be a writer, mostly because she’s already quit her other job and ‘writer’ sounds way more impressive than bum. You can see her work in several places besides her mother’s refrigerator. She’s contributed to a couple hilarious books available on Amazon. She occasionally blogs at JustLinda.com. You can follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @LindaInDisguise.